Awaken

Here I am. Here am I. I am here. Existence. It seems so simple to exist.

Breathe in. Breathe out. Repeat.

Sleep. Eat. Breathe.

It's so much more than that though, right? To live is to be awake. Awake. There's where I consistently fall short. Opening my mind in the morning to a new day. Smiling in the morning. Tasting my food. Looking my children in the eyes and meaning it. Speaking my truth. Passionate love for what I do and who I am. Falling asleep at night because I have lived so much in one day that I can't possible keep my eyes open anymore.

This is what it is to truly be awake. I am capable of partial existence. Nay, I am capable OF existence. What I lack is the motivation, the energy, to be awake.

I have been reading a book entitled, "The Body Keeps the Score." The context centers around trauma and posttraumatic stress disorder. Since I began reading this book I have experienced  some form of enlightenment. It was as if I had spent my life wandering in the dark alone and suddenly the sun came up and I could see for the first time. I realized why existence has been so difficult and why a struggle to be awake.

I wish I could sum up all I have learned in a few brief sentences but it would not suffice. I will do my best though.

• Prolonged trauma in my childhood led to deficiencies in my biological and emotional development, essentially, leaving me crippled in the aftermath.
• Due to the nature of trauma, I lack the capacity to shut down my stress response even though the danger has passed. It is as though my system is on high alert at all times.
• Dissociation was my safety net during traumas, offering me a place to escape and survive the unbearable aspects of inescapable horror. Unfortunately, dissociation is how I cope with the hypervigilance that is so common in PTSD. It also means I spend my days in a distant fog, far from the realities of the present. 
• Lastly, a most unfortunate symptom of prolonged trauma, I feel that I am alien to my life. I recognize the surroundings and people in my life but I am unable to connect emotionally to my life and therefore, feel a sense of counterfeit in the most basic and treasured aspects of my life.

So, here I am, wondering how to awaken, if there is merit for hope. And I keep breathing because if I can somehow find my way through this existential crisis, if there is a chance I can find myself, I want it. 

Out of Darkness

How is it that I find myself in this place again? Lost. Scared. Disconnected. When I contemplate the meaning of my existence I despair at the thought that maybe there isn't meaning. Maybe all the joy and the pain, the building up and the breaking down are simply part of a never-ending rollercoaster ride. Then again, as I look around my world I see miracles, beauty, complexities that cannot be explained but that serve a purpose. Trees take in carbon dioxide and release oxygen, providing air for humans and animals to breathe. Plants produce fruit containing the very nutrients needed for living things to survive. The sun and the moon work in their respective jobs, laboring to give us life-sustaining light. Is it intelligent design? I believe it is. I also believe that these parts of nature need connection just like I do. I believe I can learn from them. So, as I find myself in this dark place again I must ask myself, "What can I learn from the life that surrounds me?" "Why do they fight so hard for survival when their existence may seem to them to be unimportant?" "Do they recognize their importance?" "What is my importance?"

Maybe I don't need to know my importance. Maybe trees don't know that what they breathe out is essential for the life of others. Maybe they simply have faith that their lives matter. Maybe I simply need to have faith that my life matters...